polite or not having the guts?

one thing i hate using the train to work is encountering peraba. *spits!* a$$holes, them lot!

you want your day to start off cheerful, happy and positive.
and then when you have to be sardined into the train, its still ok. prasarana may have their own legitimate reasons why they have to treat their customers like this, no?

but then, when you suddenly feel that some guy's hand suspiciously rubs your bum, and even after a not so subtle hint for the hand to 'bugger off!', you still feel it. argh #$@! would you want to just tell him off?

before you think i may be exagerating or syak wasangka.. cmon! i know there's room for his hands to grip the handle (both his right and left hands!) i even looked  stared directly at his hands on the job! why would you want to dangle your hand towards my bum when there is a perfectly free space at the handle bar for your hands to rest/ hold on to.

when i stared at his left hand, i felt again the slight rub by his right! i mean! seriuosly! i dont even HAVE a butt! go feel up your own a$$, f*cking b*stard!

(see? what reliving it made me feel? all fired up with anger!)

anyway, i dont know what actually refrained me from saying "dude! (or gramps for all i care), do you want me to swear at you and embarass you in here? or do you rather get your f*cking hands away from my f*cking butt?"

ok. sekarang i am all fired up, explains all the swearing.

why didnt i have the gut to say at least "excuse me, im not comfortable with your hands near my behind. can you hold on to the handle or aything?"

malu or plain malas? or takut? what? what makes most malaysian women cant speak when they are violated? why?

being a parent is hard.

hahaha..
baru sekarang terfikir?

its not that we dont know this. almost everybody knows that parenting is hardwork.
from birth, with what the waking ups at night, the early education, the lessons we want to teach and instill in them, the worry, the everything.

and you think that by 'telling' them the right thing to do is enough. well, its a BIG nope.

you also have to think about how you conduct yourself.
you simply cant be your outrageous-self and expect your kids to be not that.

its sometimes the simplest little habit of yours that will be picked up by them.
like me, seriously, i have to stop swearing (in front of them, at least la kan?).

and the outbursts? yeap, i blame myself too.
(mode: expressing self embarassment) back in our little condo, me and ikan, when we fight those fights, we fought like mad people :p. and unfortunately, all the outbursts were witnessed by them Bs. before you shook your heads, we know that its not healthy. but when in the heat of moment, sometimes logic and sense are thrown out the window. :( sad.. but there it is.

anyway, i think why kids are soooo expressive in their tantrums are because they saw the mother did it, then it must be ok.

gish... i am wallowing with guilt here.

so, being a parent. its hard. its good, though. it forces you to be a better person. and isnt that our ultimate purpose in life- being better?

Buying Books Anonymous

(ehem ehem.. *standing up guiltily*)

i went to a bookstore to buy these fixi books, after intriguingly reviewed by a blogger.
the said books were absent. i know i should leave. but my eyes wondered, my brains zinged, my hands itched.

i lost. i bought these:

Speeches That Changed The World, RM29
The Hunger Pains, RM49 (seriously! this is wayy expensive- by ringgit per page, compared to Collins' but heck, its funny!)
Dr Suess' There's A Wocket In My Pocket, RM9
My Perfectly Pink Activity Book, RM16 x 2 (utk B1 and B2 aaa)
Colours, RM8 (utk B3)

i havent finish reading the ones bought during the big bad wolf, the ones boght last month, the ones i purchased online.

i need to call my sponsor. ~~haihh

on dying.

oh.. why so depressing topic?

wait.. its not depressing. i am actually in a blithesome mood.

and, perhaps.. maybe a bit of influences from a post here and the hapless circumstances that led me to be one of the millions (ok, i guess this is exagerated) missed the cranberries concert. (read with passionate hatred: jeles kat anness)

anyway, back to the topic at hand. I know this is another one of my weird things i do/think.
have you ever think how you want to die?

my arwah ayah wished to draw his last breath at home with his wife and all of his children at his side. this was granted.

i want that too. but can i berangan-angan to die under the bright sunshine, holding my love ones, or.. them holding me.. i guess ?!

like that song from The Cranberries- Dying in the sun.
i want  to die happy and peacefully at old age, sitting on a balcony or something but under the beautiful bright sunshine.
with ikan holding my hands (preferably, we die together.. i dont think i am strong like my mother to have survive without my dad)
with my kids (and perhaps lots of grandkids) with me.

hahaha. me and my romantic sense :p
ikan: "is dying ever romantic?"
yes, when you have me as your wife :)

oops.. was i responsible?

remember the 'odd song'?

i watched the video at home so that the videos are not interrupted. so, basically, when i watched it, my kids are there with me- especially aqish.

(p.s: the original video- the artistic one, 30% involves partial n.udity. I always order aqish to close her eyes whenever she sees a lot of unnecessary flesh :p. it includes this one.)

but the thing is, she loves this song too. and between 2 of the most popular videos (one by gotye, one by walk of earth), she said she loves the video of the latter better but loves to hear the one by gotye and kimbra. she adores kimbra's voice and... eye lashes! "-_-

she is (like me...) addicted to this song (she actually disected the video- commenting on the voice (low, high), why a certain gesture, why the angst... i ended up explaining the meaning of the song. and now she is obsessed with 'stranger' and 'somebody i used to know'!)

so now, i am torn.

i am proud that she is actually analysing the song- picking up the words and asking me what it means. but at the same time- i am not 100% comfortable with the expossure of fleshes, eventhough it is not that vulgar.

i dont know, what do you guys think..? should i absolutely ban her from watching it?
(sebab, ade satu video of Selena Gomez's- love song tu, this girl was murdering(!) the boy, and once we noticed it, we banned them from watching, which they (aqish mostly) obliged)

but then, she loves kimbra.
i better wait for ikan to come back and decide, huh? susah betul bila jadi ibu tunggal ni :p

on another related note: the other video portrays the 'band'-WOE playing a single acustic guitar for the whole song. boleh plak aqish: "ma, kakak nak buat macam ni tapi nanti mama dah meninggal (?!) kakak x boleh berdiri pegang guitar lagi"
ok, aku memang konpius apa kait mengait tapi terkedu wo anak sebut pasal aku meninggal!
(tapi aku rase she was referring to when she is older like the woman in the video, aku may not be with her anymore)

on cursing.

i am a cursing person.
i know its bad but it feels soo satisfying, no? heheh (sorry, babe!)<- ikan hates it when i swear. he uses what the fish, where as i, use the original word :p

anyway, last week, when me and the hubs were playing badminton, biasala tu.. i swear when i missed.

"demmit!" (kinda polite??)

sekali, boleh pulak aqish "ma, demmit tu apa ma?"

hehehe.. we shared a glance, me and ikan. ikan- reproachful, me- guilty.

i turned to aqish and told her "demmit tu is swearing, only orang besar, mama and abah can say. Nanti kakak da besar boleh cakap, sekarang x boleh"

hahah.not a good one huh? i mean, not curbing? i dont want to be a hyprocrite to my daughters. i swear, a lot. i cant tell them they cant, when they are grown ups. but it has to be those in the politer (eh??) region.

anyway, i came across this very same situation in a book i recently read. and the father also said to his kid that he cant use it, only adults can.

hah.

on akward explanations- i am spared with the akwardness when aqish asks where does baby comes from, cause she and busyra knows that they came out from my tummy :). how did you (read: mommies underwent natural birth) fare with this? :)

about an odd song.

i listen to hitz.fm kinda songs.
lately, there's this one song that to me, is kinda odd to be included in hitzs' but somehow hmmm... interesting?

gotye's 'somebody that i used to know'

its about a not so pleasant break up.
oh, and the video- hahah.. very artistic.

i dont know why this one sticks with me. i guess i like underdogs.