I’m feeling lousy and not proud of it. I know I should be more grateful but I cant myself from feeling what I am feeling right now.
I am feeling sad, and a bit like a loser.
I went to my monthly O&G appointment last night and she told me I am having a girl. Truly Ya Allah, I love my baby. I do not hate her, I swear. Tapi, I feel as though I lost something. I was sooooo sure im carrying a boy. We had finalized some names, betapa poyonye kami.
Adakah aku x bersedia or x sesuai to bring up a boy in the family? Is my parenting suck that im not worthy of a son? Aku nak sangat kasi anak lelaki kat ikan. And how I loved looking at boys cloths kat mother care. I’d berangan- angan to have a little boy in the house, where kakak2 die ‘jaga’ die. And kaki lawan ngan busyra. Busyra nangis macam aqish slalu nangis bila busyra buat…
Aqish seemed to take it well. Kitorg ajar die (hmm, mmg x patut) since I was throwing up lagi yg she’s gonna get a baby brother. She calls him baby amin, short for bunyamin. But after dr had told me the news, I kinda showed my sadness afterwards. I asked her if she liked another baby sister, she was ecstatic. She said ‘Aqish suka baby yg cantik sekali…’ thanks dear kakak, mama felt a bit better hearing your joy.
I love my baby no matter what. I hope, kalau it is surely a girl, biarlah jadi the most girlie girl and not affected by my wanting a boy (kan
Ya Allah, sihatkanlah anak dalam kandungan ku. Amin.
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o… btw, I finished Paradise yesterday and its one of my fav contemporary books. Tu je lah. Xde mood nak elaborate.
2 comments:
u surely see the burger ke? kadang2 bird itu tersorok
i dont know. to me, its early tapi i felt lost sbb i was sooo conident that im having a boy.. memang x patut.. i think im gonna be fine.
maybe not to bring my hopes up lagi. i'l settle for both now ni, i guess
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